Contradictions made by people insulting my husband (AKA, Misogynist Troll Insult Fails Part 2)

Posted in Editorials on July 17th, 2014
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Christian Red Pill blogger Dalrock published a hit piece on a woman journalist, and decided that instead of relying only on his incisive wit and literary talent, he’d also link to her personal photos and Flickr account. Because he wanted to ruin more than just a mediocre DS9 episode.

Ms Brink took to twitter asking people for help in reporting this post as abusive, and Adam sent out a tweet encouraging people to do so. And in case it’s not clear, I support anyone’s right to write or say whatever they want about whoever they want without fear of the government. But saying “Hey it’s not cool to link to naked pictures of a woman your are slut shaming” is not censorship. It’s exercising those same free speech rights to tell you that you are an asshole. Which you have every right to be.

But a simple, “This is not cool and it might violate Word Press Terms of Service” tweet has invoked the rage of the manosphere. And Oracle of Delphi, is it hilarious! They know they hate women, and they hate men who don’t hate women, but they can’t figure out why. And their reasons are delightfully contradictory.

Adam is:

“White Knight and all-purpose Mangina”
a “cowardly white knight” “spreading lies”
one of the “rabbit people”
“mangina Adam Lee (again, the only person who even has given Mizz Brink the time of day) thinks he can authorize ‘social sanctions’, even though it is safe to say that just about all the men here have had far more lifetime success with women than Adam Lee has.”

But also:

A ‘male feminist’ is almost always a sleazy predator in disguise. Hugo Schwyzer proved this. Being a ‘male feminist’ really is the perfect cover for such a predator.

So he’s a cowardly sexless mangina but also a sleazy sexual predator? Got it.

And:

Adam Lee is just another sub-human degenerate Social Justice Warrior who thinks that anyone who disagrees with him need to be shut down. These sons of bitches are just like Hitler’s Brownshirts with less testicular fortitude to face you in person.

But:

I could not help noticing from Adam Lee’s Twitter that…he appears to be a Jew

A JEWISH NAZI! OMG.

They’re also really obsessed with Adam having sex with and/or being sexually rejected by Brink:

If Adam Lee does his job right, he might just get lucky tonight!

I should also point out that Adamangina Lee is thinking to himself :

“This superslut had sex with 8 men while still legally married……I am the only one who rushed to her aid……….Yet she is STILL turning me down?? Whyyyyyyyyyy????”

Ms Brink,

Adam is only doing this because he hopes that maybe you will have sex with him.

Adam,

She is NOT going to have sex with you. Ever. You are quiche eating beta male. She is using you to try and tear down people who make her feel bad because she is a terrible person speading terrible advice. Stop what you are doing. You’re never going to get laid.

As creepy as these comments are, I don’t think “quiche eating beta male” will leave my vocabulary any time soon. It’s perfect for ironic joke insults. Thanks dudes.

I spent my morning train ride laughing my head off at these comments, and trying to pick my favorite insult. I actually made my own from this word salad – “Hitler rabbit.” As in “Adam thinks men shouldn’t call women bitches. What a Hitler rabbit!”

A Quick Reminder On Where The Mass Graves Of Dead Babies Really Are

Posted in Editorials on June 9th, 2014
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St Patrick’s Cathedral, Dublin, Ireland.

In 2013, Christian Radio host Kevin Swanson said

I’m beginning to get some evidence from certain doctors and certain scientists that have done research on women’s wombs after they’ve gone through the surgery, and they’ve compared the wombs of women who were on the birth control pill to those who were not on the birth control pill. And they have found that with women who are on the birth control pill, there are these little tiny fetuses, these little babies, that are embedded into the womb. They’re just like dead babies. They’re on the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.

(Hat tip.)

Of course, this is complete and utter bullshit. Hormonal birth control works by stopping a woman from ovulating, and so there can be no fertilization, and there can be no “little tiny fetuses.” But Swanson is not about to let facts get in the way of his dreams of theocracy. “The Pill Kills” was established in 2008 to overturn Griswold v. Connecticut and aims to make hormonal birth control (and possibly all other forms of contraception) illegal in the United States. Swanson’s rhetoric is a prime example of their tactics, gruesome lies made to advance a religious agenda.

But it is not hormonal contraception or a sexually permissive culture that has created mass graves of children, but strict religious sexual morality itself. Hundreds of bodies of children were found in just one Magdalene Laundry – a place where unmarried pregnant women and others accused of sexual sin were forced to live in Ireland until very recently. There may be more mass graves at other laundries that have not been discovered yet.

I had thought that there was nothing left about the Catholic Church that could shock me or make me any more angry than I already am. But I was wrong. When I first heard this story, I thought there must be some mistake. Was there an outbreak of disease that killed these children? This is not the Catholicism I was taught. I was taught that God loves everyone, and to follow the teachings of Jesus that we should be forgiving and treat each other with kindness and mercy. But there was no forgiveness for the women sent to the Magdalene Laundries and no mercy for their children. There was no disease that plagued the Magdalene laundries. These innocent children were starved and neglected to death to uphold the sexual morality of the Catholic Church. The institution that preaches redemption through the blood of Christ did not act on that conviction. The Church acted with cruelty and spite, killing those most vulnerable to its whims. I am forced to conclude they do not believe what they say at all.

Misogynist Troll Insult Fails

Posted in Editorials on June 3rd, 2014
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Previously, I have written about an incident that occurred when I was a teenager and a boy in my class tried to insult me, but it fell flat. This happens often when interacting with people who have very different values. What one person sees as an insult, another may find innocuous or even take as a point of pride.

Cracked has published a post “5 Uncomfortable Truths Behind the Men’s Rights Movement” and the dudes at /r/TheRedPill are really mad.

I’d wager this guy is a skinny little girly man just desperate for some cash. Probably gets pegged by his angry period-raging feminist girlfriend.

And when we take out the modifiers and the name calling, and we look at what /u/bleekdawn is trying to say…there’s not much of an insult now is there? Like I said on /r/TheBluePill, he is now a little richer from the publication of this article and he will be getting laid tonight? Sounds like a win on both counts. What am I missing?

I know that /u/bleekdawn meant his words to sting with body shaming, classism, homophobia and misogyny – because of course skinny or short men aren’t men, and of course it’s shameful to work for a paycheck, and of course straight men don’t like to be pegged, and of course menstruation turns women into demonic hellspawn, and of course no one would ever date or have sex with a feminist. I don’t actually know what J. F. Sargent’s appearance, finances or sex life are like. But on it’s face, there’s nothing wrong with having a small build, getting paid to write articles on the internet or with being a straight man who likes anal sex from a woman partner.

I suppose this is why people occasionally tell their detractors to troll harder.

WFP Endorses Cuomo: Business as Usual in Albany

Posted in Editorials on June 3rd, 2014
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Corruption and Albany are synonymous. In fact, nothing about Albany corruption surprises us anymore. Indictments run rampant. Scandals loom in every corner. Deals are made every day under the assumption that voters are stupid and don’t pay attention. And it seems that at any given time, jury selection is underway somewhere in New York for a pending trial of some politician.

So the Working Families Party’s nomination of Gov. Andrew Cuomo this weekend should come as no surprise. What is odd is that the Governor, who is in good shape to be handily re-elected, threw the Senate IDC-Republican “co-majority” under the bus in order to win a nomination that four years ago he was considering not taking at all.

Perhaps the governor saw what the “professional left” has done to other, more centrist, Democrats like Hillary Clinton and Christine Quinn and he was afraid he would eventually meet the same fate. However, it doesn’t really seem logical that a WFP candidate would garner enough votes to realistically threaten his re-election. The candidate being considered, Zephyr Teachout, is an unknown entity who would have trouble garnering the 50,000 votes the WFP needs to remain an active political party with ballot access in this state. If the WFP endorsed her, the unions would still back Cuomo, siphoning votes and dollars from any campaign she had.

In fact, there is much more for the WFP to lose than gain in not endorsing Cuomo.

So why? Was this all really about a local minimum wage, income inequality, corporate tax breaks, and other populist issues? Unlikely. It would seem almost ridiculous to buck a sitting governor when he has delivered on other progressive initiatives like gun control and marriage equality.

Questions remain: Will Cuomo be true to his word and actually turn on his GOP-IDC allies in Albany? Can he actually follow-through on any of his legislative promises given that the session is about to close? Does the WFP have any recourse if he doesn’t? Is this really about satisfying liberal activists in advance of a presidential bid?

And overall: Why? Why the fight, the drama, the tension?

Perhaps the answer is in who came to Andrew Cuomo’s rescue at the WFP convention: none other than Mayor Bill de Blasio. Darling of the Working Families Party and the professional left.

Maybe it’s as simple as de Blasio and his allies just taking another pol down a peg after a strenuous six months.

As always with Albany…we may never know. Unless there’s an indictment.

Climate Change Denier Admits He Doesn’t Care What The Truth Is

Posted in Editorials on June 3rd, 2014
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On Sunday night, against my better judgement, I started an argument with someone on the Cosmos Twitter hashtag. But in doing so I got at something I think environmentalists and climate change activists need to understand. Many people who deny that climate change is occurring do not care what the truth is.

This conversation is edited for space and clarity. See my twitter page for all comments.

I’m oversimplifying here a bit. But it is true. Coal and gasoline have the hidden costs of damage to public health.

I was referring to this article in Think Progress, “Germany Sets New Record, Generating 74 Percent Of Power Needs From Renewable Energy.” Rob was incredulous at first but then he started quoting other sources about how this makes electricity more expensive.

But I didn’t say that renewable energy would be cheap or easy. My point in citing Germany as an example was a refutation of Rob’s assertion that we couldn’t do anything about climate change unless we “all go back to living like 1750.” It’s clearly not 1750 in Germany right now. The Germans are planning for the future, and trying to abate climate change as well. If we keep going the way we are now, we will face catastrophe.

Clearly missing the point here, Rob sees clean energy as some kind of money making scam. I wonder if he sees fire extinguishers and car air bags that way too?

And here’s when I first found out that the person I was talking to has no idea what the evidence for climate change is.

First he called me a Nazi:

Then he went back to “this is a money making scheme:

And finally, to his main point, that being contrary for the sake of being contrary is a good thing:

Claiming that the IPCC is just “a single source” and just some random website on the internet, revealed that Rob actually has no idea what the evidence for climate change actually is.

And he said yes.

But then he had to immediately make a joke about how silly this all is.

So although he has never looked at the evidence for climate change, it seems awfully silly and conformist to go along with, dont ya think? Almost like a religion! Rob clearly has no idea what the scientific method is, or why it works if he equates reading papers filed with data and then basing your views on public policy on that data is the same thing as religious faith. Science changes in response to new information. Religion does not.

And that, right there, is the money quote. For Rob, climate change denialism is not about moneyed interest in fossil fuels, a religious belief that God will protect the Earth, a misunderstanding of the scientific evidence, or even a failure to examine the information available to him. It doesn’t matter what the data is, he won’t believe it, no matter what, because to do so would make him a “sheep.” Nonconformity is more important to Rob than truth.

How to respond to people like this, I have no idea. But at least he told me why he believes what he does.

UPDATE: As I responded in my initial tweet to Rob, BRIC countries will probably decide to limit greenhouse gas emissions on their own. And China looks like they are heading that way right now.

Columbia – The First American Idol

Posted in Editorials on May 19th, 2014
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Spending time in the Washington DC metro area for Women in Secularism, I am reminded of the goddess Columbia. Probably the best argument that ceremonial deism is an actual practice, Columbia was first personified in a poem by Phillis Wheatley. She is a mythical goddess representing America, although today we tend to use Uncle Sam or Lady Liberty more often. It’s possible that the statue atop the Capitol is meant to be her.

For a country that is supposedly a “Christian Nation” I find it odd we have a bronze idol of a ceremonial goddess adorning our capitol city.

For further reading: “Sorry Uncle Sam, but Warrior Goddess Columbia Was Our Coolest National Mascot

Freedom of Speech Means Freedom to Be an Asshole

Posted in Editorials on May 18th, 2014
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From the text of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution:

Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech

I am a firm supporter of the right to free speech and free expression. These rights are essential to other rights – political advocacy, religious freedom, artistic expression, academic freedom and the right to advocate for social change. I am so thankful to live in the United States where I have this right, and I hold it dear.

Not everyone who has these rights uses them for a good or useful purpose. The costs of free speech are high. When I was a clinic escort, I witnessed protesters who would harass patients and doctors. I find this morally abhorrent, and while I do support the FACE Act and other measures to prevent people from forming human chains around clinics, I also recognize that much of what these protesters do is and should be protected speech.

This weekend I attended the Women in Secularism conference sponsored by the Center for Inquiry. One of the speakers, Taslima Nasrin spoke about the harms of religion to women. Nasrin was exiled from her home country of Bangladesh for criticizing Islam. Others have been jailed or murdered by vigilantes for doing the same.

In her speech, Nasrin said,

“Without the right to offend, freedom of expression cannot exist.”

Mary Johnson tweeted this quote, and I retweeted it. Then this happened (conversation edited for clarity, see my twitter stream for unabridged conversation):

So, to sum up, according to Carl Nyberg, we can’t criticize Islam because of American imperialism, and we can’t be supporters of free speech unless we spend every waking moment trying to get Chelsea Manning out of prison.

I agree that there is racist and xenophobic sentiment underlying some critiques of Islam. But that doesn’t mean that it’s above question. Taken to its logical conclusion, Nyberg’s argument means that until we eliminate antisemitism in the United States, no one can speak up about the sexual abuse of children in Hasidic communities. I reject this entirely.

I don’t think that people should be bigoted or even unnecessarily mean to each other. I’m a huge supporter of social justice, civility, Wheaton’s Law, and plain old cheerfulness. But I believe these things must come from within and not be imposed by a government. The right to free speech includes the right to be an nasty and cruel abortion clinic protester, to voice islamaphobic opinions, and to tell me that I want to “shit on other religions without being criticized.” As Taslima Nasrin said,

“Without the right to offend, freedom of expression cannot exist.”

13 Ways To Be A Happily Married Feminist

Posted in Editorials on May 12th, 2014
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As is my unfortunate hobby, I was hate-browsing Reddit’s Red Pill Women forum and came across a discussion of Fox Sports “13 Ways to Keep Your Husband Happy.”

I don’t know why Fox Sports is posting marital advice for straight women. But there it is.

Apparently one of their readers, Jennifer, didn’t understand a hilarious blow job joke and took it upon herself to correct the record.

A couple of months ago, you published something in the mailbag about an Auburn wife who offered her Alabama husband a blowjob every time Auburn won if he would not actively root against Auburn. I was bothered by the line where she said she nearly contracted TMJ due to the success Auburn had. It bothered me because Auburn won 12 games. This means in a span of 15 weeks she gave 12 blowjobs. 2 open dates and 1 loss (I am not counting the BCS title game because there was no win after that loss so the streak ends at the SEC Championship game) means she had a 3 week break and a 2 week break during the season to “rest”.

I have talked to a few girlfriends and my sister and we agree that unless she was offering this in addition to at least one other blowjob during that week, no rest was needed and even joking about TMJ is preposterous.

It was a joke. She was saying “I get to blow my husband every time my team wins, and I sure am blowing him a lot! Heh heh. My team is winning. Blow jobs. Score.”

She continues:

I have been married to my husband for 16 years and been together 20. I still give him a blowjob at least once a week. Am I the minority?

If I am, let me be clear to the other wives out there – Do it. Tonight. Do it without asking for anything in return. Ladies, put his d*** in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life.

Fox Sports columnist Clay Travis then ruminates on the average amount of oral sex he thinks married people have. And then he says:

I do know this, I told my wife that I would never complain or argue with her about anything if she would sleep with me every other night for the rest of our marriage. It didn’t work, but I stand by my statement. For every woman reading this right now, if you promised to sleep with your husband every other night for a year, I think the number of complaints you’d get from your husband would be almost zero.

I decided to try his out for myself. On Sunday night Adam asked me how long I planned on keeping a giant pile of clothes on our couch. I told him I would have sex with every night instead of folding and putting away my clothes. He was like, “How about both?”

In a more serious situation, this could become unhealthy. I have a bad habit of engaging in negative self talk when I’m feeling down. If you asked Adam what his biggest complaint about me, he would probably say that. Let’s see how this strategy would work:

“Oh God. I cannot believe I threw out that important document for our taxes. Now I have to get a new copy from work. I’m the worst, most incompetent person ever. Why does anyone even like me?”
“Please don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“Hey Baby, wanna fuck?”

But I digress.

For not thinking a blow job joke was very funny, Jennifer was then asked to write a column for Fox Sports about marriage.

And the thing is, some of this is common sense advice everyone has heard before. But it’s framed in terms of being groundbreaking and counterculture because it’s a married woman who likes football and giving head. Because there are no married women who like football and giving head. All women are uptight frigid killjoys and that’s why they can’t keep a man. When that’s your starting point, even the most generic advice seems contemptuous.

1. Give him a blowjob at least once a week.
2. Give it up more often.
3. Step up your sex game.

Aren’t these all the same thing? Didn’t we cover this last week when Jennifer didn’t understand the “LOL. I made a bet with my husband and my team is winning so much TMJ!” joke?

4. Quit bitching!

No one likes a whiner, although some people do enjoy whining. I think her problem here is the assumption all women bitch at their husbands, but men don’t do the same thing. If you’ve never met a champion complainer of the male persuasion you probably don’t know any men, or your sexism keeps you from recognizing it.

Both parties in a relationship need to learn how to express their needs in a calm and assertive way. But that’s not really catchy enough for Fox Sports.

5. Let him look at other women.

Sure. As long as turnabout is fair play.

6. Don’t use the kids as an excuse.

When I gave birth to all three of our kids and “wasn’t available,” my mouth still was.

You hear that ladies? C-Section incision still seeping? Episiotomy stitches hurting your nethers? Nipples sore from breastfeeding your newborn? YOUR MOUTH IS STILL AVAILABLE.

And if it’s not, well then your husband might not be “happy.” And since he’s looking at all those other women, well…

7. Stop trying to change him.
8. Let him do the things he enjoys.

I agree with these two the most. It’s important to have separate interests, to respect your differences and to not tell each other what to do.

9. Stop keeping score.

Life is not a pissing contest. Who cares if you are right? Who cares how many times you have taken the trash out compared to the amount of times he has helped you with the laundry?You are not going to die and have God say “Well you were right 87% of the time and you did 97% more of the chores than your husband.” Get off your ass and take the trash out. Women are lucky that their husbands don’t have the kind of memory they do, because things would get really ugly.

Look ladies, you should be glad that your husband even deigns to be with a *shudder* woman. Don’t you know he’s a man and therefore entitled to your housework? I mean, Jesus Christ, just because you are right most of the time and do twice as much housework as he does what do you think that makes you special? That he should say thank you or listen to your point of view? You are a WOMAN, and therefore, THE WORST. Just be thankful he doesn’t remember all the times you menstruated or missed a spot shaving. Then things would really get ugly.

10. Don’t be a “Yoko”.

Fuck you. Seriously. (Hat tip.)

11. Stop making him do shit he doesn’t want to do and go places he doesn’t want to go.

Like I said above it’s important to…

Stop with the couples baby showers. Hell, I don’t even like to go to those things. No man wants to go to a baby shower. He didn’t even want to go to the baby shower for his own kids. The person who invented the couples shower should be shot.

Oh.

My policy on baby showers is that if there is cake and booze, you have no right to complain.

12. Be Cool.

I went to have lunch with my husband one Valentine’s Day. A couple of his boys asked him what he got me for Valentine’s Day. He said he got me a “cockmeat sandwich.” They looked at me, expecting me to get mad. All I did was reply, “What can I say? I was hungry.”

I wonder what Jennifer would think about a feminist blog encouraging women to tell jokes humiliating their husbands in public?

I also allowed a bachelor party, complete with a keg and a stripper, to be held at my house. I left and didn’t care what happened as long as they didn’t burn the place down. When I got home, there was whipped cream on the entertainment center…

So I think we need to go back to #5 again here, “Let him look at other women.” He wasn’t looking. He was licking. Or is that what you meant? Let him lick other women?

What Jennifer means here is to keep a man happy, you have to be a pushover and you have to enjoy it. As Gillian Flynn wrote (emphasis added):

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

13. If all else fails, sex will cure it all.

I thought we talked about this one already?

***

So to sum up, according to Fox Sports expert Jennifer, to be a good wife you should just keep your mouth shut (except for blow jobs, natch) and your legs open. Remember: A. B. S. Always. Be. Sexing.


The missing marriage counseling scene from Glengarry Glen Ross.

Because what works for Jennifer’s husband will work for all men. Because all men are the same. (According to Fox Sports.)

P. S. This week Adam and I celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. None of it would have been possible if I had followed Jennifer’s advice in the spirit she had intended. So in keeping with /r/TheBluePill policy that all selfies must have superimposed quotations:

13 Ways To Keep Your Heterosexual Female Romantic Partner Happy

Posted in Editorials on May 12th, 2014
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Inspired by Fox Sports loving, human relationship article written by contributer “Jennifer,” found here.

Trust me, men, I assure you I exist and I’ve never had a man break up with me, although I have broken up with many, many “men.” If you want to know some of the things that you can do to make sure your girlfriend or wife never ever leaves you no matter how awful you are, I will tell you. Much like Jennifer’s advice, ladies, if you have a man who demands you buy him a big diamond, you should run; he will literally harm you. I also want to stress that the only way a relationship can be successful is if it is between a man and a woman and it never ends no matter how much a man must subjugate himself to his partner’s will in order to keep her happy.

 

1. Give her head twice a week. I know, men need blowjobs once a week, but women are different, it’s just biology. It doesn’t have to even be two separate sessions, you can give both orgasms in one marathon session. She would be more than happy to come home from a long day of work to head. Trust me. And any woman who says she doesn’t like head has either had a bad experience or is married to someone who won’t give it. What a shame. As I said before dudes, put it in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life.

 

2. Give it up more often. Sleeping with your partner should be work. It should be pleasure. I trust you have all heard, “The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach.” Your mom and/or grandmother have told you this for years. Your mother-in-law told you the same thing when you and your wife got engaged. But she was only half right. This is the “Better Homes and Gardens” version. The real way to a woman’s heart is through both food and sex. She would be happy to have local, farm-fresh baked lemon chicken and head and/or sex followed by cupcakes than literally anything else at least every other night. If you do not do this for your wife or girlfriend, she may leave you and then what are you? Why do you exist? Are you cooking or pleasing a woman? What is your purpose?

 

3. Step up your sex game. Put on some speedos and mineral oil (you have a hot bod, right? You’d better not be so worthless as to not be ripped) and tell her you have want to give her a back massage. Send her text messages telling her what an attractive woman she is. I am pretty satisfied with my sex life because he puts effort into it. He has said yes to everything I have wanted to try, including other men. Anything less gives me the right to cheat because his only reason for existing is to keep me happy regardless of his own needs and desires. He has to want to do the things I want him to do, not just acquiesce. Step. It. Up.

 

4. Quit whining! This would go a long way to keeping your female romantic partner happy. Does it really matter which way the toilet paper is on the roll as long as it is on there? Does it really matter if she hasn’t taken the trash out and the apartment is literally in squalor even though you hired a houseboy whom she is supposed to allow to clean before she dominates him while you’re away? Are your hands broken? No? Well then be sure to put the new bag in the trash can so that it doesn’t slip down when you start putting trash in it. There is always “that dude” in the circle of friends who makes everyone uncomfortable because he is whining all the time and just tears his partner apart over the stupidest things. Your friends hate you because you aren’t happy enough submitting to your partner’s will. Don’t be “that guy”. If you don’t know who that is, it is you. Stop. Now. Or else.

 

5. Let her look at other men. So she likes big dicks. (Honestly, who doesn’t? They’re pretty hot.) So what? Let her look at them. She is going to believe that men are only useful for their wangs whether she looks or not. This is going to happen. So let her look. Let her peep someone’s visible penis line in skinny jeans out at the mall. Is it really hurting you? No, especially since you were eye balling literally every advertisement featuring a woman. Who cares who she wants to and will have sex with other than you as long as she exists therefore giving you a purpose.

 

6. Don’t use the kids as an excuse. This one might seem confusing. “I don’t get tired by my children because I never interact with my family, I’m a man. My family exists as an extension of myself which I then proceed to ignore” you might say out loud while reading this blog post. If you are not taking care of your baby and wife, you will have an unhappy marriage and your wife will leave you for one of the men with bigger dicks that she was looking at in number 5. The things you do in your relationship are inferior to the things my boyfriend does and you are inherently unworthy of love. But I digress. When your wife has given birth and cannot take wieners vaginally, she can recieve oral sex safely in a few days. I know you’re tired from taking so much time to take care of wife and baby’s recovery, but it is important to remember that she should not have any sexual contact outside the area of the clitoris until she is healed. The world doesn’t stop because you become parents. How did you get that way? I understand that things are hard and chaotic, but that is life. This means that sometimes, you have to get it in when you can fit it in (but don’t put “it” “in” until she is healed).

 

7. Stop trying to change her. You thought she had “potential” to be a great mother and wife someday. Goodness gracious. Stop! She is who she is (a terrible mother and wife) and all you’re doing is fostering a feeling of ill will and resentment (or at least more feelings of ill will and resentment than you were by having opinions, I mean whining). You may think that she is accepting it and you are making headway. But what you should be doing is accepting her and giving her head.

 

8. Let her do the things she enjoys. I know, I sound crazy right? You have been working all week while she “got” to go out and earn a living and so you should be able to have her on the weekends. The chores don’t do themselves. I get that you want to spend time with her. If you let her go out and enjoy her hobbies, she will appreciate that, and hopefully she will eventually come home and you can feed her cupcakes and give her that head she has been waiting for since yesterday. She is out there all week grinding and working for your ungrateful ass and you can’t even let her get in a mani pedi? Four hours and she is back at the house with you and the kids. If you can’t allow this, you really need to look within. Why are you feeling so lonely? You have been giving her oral sex, having sex with her, letting her look at other men, realized that both she and your own friends hate you for saying when you’re unhappy or frustrated about something, lived in servitude to her and your children, and decided that she will never change. Why do you want her to spend time with you now? There is something wrong with you, I assure you.

 

9. Stop keeping score. Life is not a pissing contest. Who cares if you are right? Who cares how many times you have taken the trash out compared to the amount of times she has helped you with the laundry? You are not going to die and have God say “Well you were right 87% of the time and you did 97% more of the chores than your wife/girlfriend/partner.” Get off your ass and take the trash out. Men are lucky that their partners know that they are too stupid to figure out equitable sharing of household maintenance, because generally, women who don’t feel like you’re doing half the housework will divorce you. So don’t keep score, just do all of the housework so that she’ll never have to wonder.

 

10. Don’t be a “Mark Anthony”. Women get married to awful men who expect that they will drop their careers when they tie the knot. Or, at least the one he doesn’t like. Stop breaking up the band. It is so much more fun to get involved in the stuff they do than to stand around and whine about it (see #4, seriously, everybody hates you). Don’t make your wife take her ball and go home. Go watch them make media moguls out of themselves or hell, play along as a back-up dancer like Jennifer Lopez’s new beau.

 

11. Stop making her do shit she doesn’t want to do and go places she doesn’t want to go. Stop with the football games. Hell, my boyfriend doesn’t even like to go to those things. No woman wants to go to a sportsball game. She didn’t even want to go to the sports games you competed in. The person who invented baseball should be shot. They have really messed it up for everyone. She also doesn’t want to go to birthday parties for your family and friends (they don’t even love you because of all your whining), unless she is also given a present of extra oral sex before and after the event. Stop having football games during whatever else she wants to do. I have a friend who is pregnant. She is due in October. We are having her baby shower whenever we damn well please because that shit is fucking important and who brought the ball where again is not.

 

12. Be Cool. I realize that this may be the hardest part of all of this for you to do. It is a very broad statement but it really encompasses all of the “intangibles” a woman is really looking for in a mate. My boyfriend has been considered the “cool boyfriend” for a while now. He has been invited to karaoke, go to the salon, go out drinking, and other fun things that are generally considered “chick stuff.” One of the reasons is because he is effeminate, but it is also because since he can’t beat us, he joins us. He tells dick jokes (jokes about how pathetic dicks are) and laughs when me and my friends do the same. He also knows some of the jokes will be about him and he embraces it. I went to have lunch with my boyfriend one Valentine’s Day. A couple of his boys asked me what I got him for Valentine’s Day. I said I got him a “clitmeat sandwich.” They looked at him, expecting him to get mad. All he did was let me continue: “What can I say? He was hungry.” They started laughing and later told my boyfriend that he had a cool girlfriend and asked how someone like him got a girl that was cool and hot. He also allowed a friend’s bachelorette party, complete with a keg and a stripper, to be held at my house (but who are we kidding? I don’t need his permission for anything). He left and didn’t care what happened as long as they didn’t burn the place down. When he got home, there was whipped cream on the entertainment center and beer spilled on his carpet. He asked if they had fun and when the carpet cleaner would be there in the morning. Then he kicked back a few drinks with me and gave me oral sex. That is how you play it cool.

 

13. If all else fails, sex will cure it all. If you find yourself struggling with any of the topics above, resort back to numbers 1 or 2. When she comes in after a long, grueling day at work, have a cold beer ready for her and tell her when the kids go to bed, you will give her head. There is nothing that giving her a little ass cannot cure. Ask him. All the women reading this are agreeing with me. Once, during an argument with my boyfriend, I asked him if he went down on me right then, could we just let it go. He quickly agreed. Nothing else matters. You are a walking dildo/tongue/less efficient vibrator. If you provide your services, your female partner will be happy and you will never have to be alone to contemplate your useless existence and inherent flaws that make you subhuman garbage. Stop reading this article. Reading is bad for your marriage. You are bad for your marriage. Subsume your existence. Enjoy your submission.

Stop the madness! Give it up. Bang it out. That is the key to a happy marriage.

FAMILY VALUES FOX: Spitters are Quitters!

Posted in Editorials on May 12th, 2014
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Over the weekend, the right wing social media circuit became very upset about not only Michael Sam’s drafting into the NFL. He then had the audacity to kiss his white – male – boyfriend.
The horror.

Apparently this was an affront to “family values”. To “manliness”. To football. To black people. Or white people. Or maybe both.

Don’t ask me to understand the minds of the right wing trolls.

I just have to say that I’m so glad that Fox set us straight and showed us what they mean by “family values”. It can all be so confusing!

So you all know, giving good head – often – is paramount to family values in America – at least according to Fox.

Don’t believe me? Well then check out this column on its sports website.

So you all know: in order to have real family values – if, and only if, you are a woman – you must give your man a blowjob at least once a week, step up your sex game, stop using your kids an excuse, and for the sake of Jesus – SWALLOW. I mean, that’s why he suffered and died, right? I’m sure I heard Rick Santorum say that spitters are quitters!

If only Michael Sam had a woman going down on him instead and digesting his semen instead of kissing his boyfriend who had cake on his face, then he would be truly worthy of the NFL.

Of course, after only after first meeting the qualifications of dogfighting, murder-suicide, and rape – essential to any true family values football player.

God Bless America.