As is my unfortunate hobby, I was hate-browsing Reddit’s Red Pill Women forum and came across a discussion of Fox Sports “13 Ways to Keep Your Husband Happy.”
I don’t know why Fox Sports is posting marital advice for straight women. But there it is.
Apparently one of their readers, Jennifer, didn’t understand a hilarious blow job joke and took it upon herself to correct the record.
A couple of months ago, you published something in the mailbag about an Auburn wife who offered her Alabama husband a blowjob every time Auburn won if he would not actively root against Auburn. I was bothered by the line where she said she nearly contracted TMJ due to the success Auburn had. It bothered me because Auburn won 12 games. This means in a span of 15 weeks she gave 12 blowjobs. 2 open dates and 1 loss (I am not counting the BCS title game because there was no win after that loss so the streak ends at the SEC Championship game) means she had a 3 week break and a 2 week break during the season to “rest”.
I have talked to a few girlfriends and my sister and we agree that unless she was offering this in addition to at least one other blowjob during that week, no rest was needed and even joking about TMJ is preposterous.
It was a joke. She was saying “I get to blow my husband every time my team wins, and I sure am blowing him a lot! Heh heh. My team is winning. Blow jobs. Score.”
I have been married to my husband for 16 years and been together 20. I still give him a blowjob at least once a week. Am I the minority?
If I am, let me be clear to the other wives out there – Do it. Tonight. Do it without asking for anything in return. Ladies, put his d*** in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life.
Fox Sports columnist Clay Travis then ruminates on the average amount of oral sex he thinks married people have. And then he says:
I do know this, I told my wife that I would never complain or argue with her about anything if she would sleep with me every other night for the rest of our marriage. It didn’t work, but I stand by my statement. For every woman reading this right now, if you promised to sleep with your husband every other night for a year, I think the number of complaints you’d get from your husband would be almost zero.
I decided to try his out for myself. On Sunday night Adam asked me how long I planned on keeping a giant pile of clothes on our couch. I told him I would have sex with every night instead of folding and putting away my clothes. He was like, “How about both?”
In a more serious situation, this could become unhealthy. I have a bad habit of engaging in negative self talk when I’m feeling down. If you asked Adam what his biggest complaint about me, he would probably say that. Let’s see how this strategy would work:
“Oh God. I cannot believe I threw out that important document for our taxes. Now I have to get a new copy from work. I’m the worst, most incompetent person ever. Why does anyone even like me?”
“Please don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“Hey Baby, wanna fuck?”
But I digress.
For not thinking a blow job joke was very funny, Jennifer was then asked to write a column for Fox Sports about marriage.
And the thing is, some of this is common sense advice everyone has heard before. But it’s framed in terms of being groundbreaking and counterculture because it’s a married woman who likes football and giving head. Because there are no married women who like football and giving head. All women are uptight frigid killjoys and that’s why they can’t keep a man. When that’s your starting point, even the most generic advice seems contemptuous.
1. Give him a blowjob at least once a week.
2. Give it up more often.
3. Step up your sex game.
Aren’t these all the same thing? Didn’t we cover this last week when Jennifer didn’t understand the “LOL. I made a bet with my husband and my team is winning so much TMJ!” joke?
4. Quit bitching!
No one likes a whiner, although some people do enjoy whining. I think her problem here is the assumption all women bitch at their husbands, but men don’t do the same thing. If you’ve never met a champion complainer of the male persuasion you probably don’t know any men, or your sexism keeps you from recognizing it.
Both parties in a relationship need to learn how to express their needs in a calm and assertive way. But that’s not really catchy enough for Fox Sports.
5. Let him look at other women.
Sure. As long as turnabout is fair play.
6. Don’t use the kids as an excuse.
When I gave birth to all three of our kids and “wasn’t available,” my mouth still was.
You hear that ladies? C-Section incision still seeping? Episiotomy stitches hurting your nethers? Nipples sore from breastfeeding your newborn? YOUR MOUTH IS STILL AVAILABLE.
And if it’s not, well then your husband might not be “happy.” And since he’s looking at all those other women, well…
7. Stop trying to change him.
8. Let him do the things he enjoys.
I agree with these two the most. It’s important to have separate interests, to respect your differences and to not tell each other what to do.
9. Stop keeping score.
Life is not a pissing contest. Who cares if you are right? Who cares how many times you have taken the trash out compared to the amount of times he has helped you with the laundry?You are not going to die and have God say “Well you were right 87% of the time and you did 97% more of the chores than your husband.” Get off your ass and take the trash out. Women are lucky that their husbands don’t have the kind of memory they do, because things would get really ugly.
Look ladies, you should be glad that your husband even deigns to be with a *shudder* woman. Don’t you know he’s a man and therefore entitled to your housework? I mean, Jesus Christ, just because you are right most of the time and do twice as much housework as he does what do you think that makes you special? That he should say thank you or listen to your point of view? You are a WOMAN, and therefore, THE WORST. Just be thankful he doesn’t remember all the times you menstruated or missed a spot shaving. Then things would really get ugly.
10. Don’t be a “Yoko”.
Fuck you. Seriously. (Hat tip.)
11. Stop making him do shit he doesn’t want to do and go places he doesn’t want to go.
Like I said above it’s important to…
Stop with the couples baby showers. Hell, I don’t even like to go to those things. No man wants to go to a baby shower. He didn’t even want to go to the baby shower for his own kids. The person who invented the couples shower should be shot.
My policy on baby showers is that if there is cake and booze, you have no right to complain.
12. Be Cool.
I went to have lunch with my husband one Valentine’s Day. A couple of his boys asked him what he got me for Valentine’s Day. He said he got me a “cockmeat sandwich.” They looked at me, expecting me to get mad. All I did was reply, “What can I say? I was hungry.”
I wonder what Jennifer would think about a feminist blog encouraging women to tell jokes humiliating their husbands in public?
I also allowed a bachelor party, complete with a keg and a stripper, to be held at my house. I left and didn’t care what happened as long as they didn’t burn the place down. When I got home, there was whipped cream on the entertainment center…
So I think we need to go back to #5 again here, “Let him look at other women.” He wasn’t looking. He was licking. Or is that what you meant? Let him lick other women?
What Jennifer means here is to keep a man happy, you have to be a pushover and you have to enjoy it. As Gillian Flynn wrote (emphasis added):
Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
13. If all else fails, sex will cure it all.
I thought we talked about this one already?
So to sum up, according to Fox Sports expert Jennifer, to be a good wife you should just keep your mouth shut (except for blow jobs, natch) and your legs open. Remember: A. B. S. Always. Be. Sexing.
The missing marriage counseling scene from Glengarry Glen Ross.
Because what works for Jennifer’s husband will work for all men. Because all men are the same. (According to Fox Sports.)
P. S. This week Adam and I celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. None of it would have been possible if I had followed Jennifer’s advice in the spirit she had intended. So in keeping with /r/TheBluePill policy that all selfies must have superimposed quotations: