Political Flavors


I have 5 sex questions for Ted Cruz

Posted in Editorials on April 13th, 2016
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As David Corn writes in Mother Jones,

In 2004, companies that owned Austin stores selling sex toys and a retail distributor of such products challenged a Texas law outlawing the sale and promotion of supposedly obscene devices. Under the law, a person who violated the statute could go to jail for up to two years. At the time, only three states—Mississippi, Alabama, and Virginia—had similar laws. (The previous year, a Texas mother who was a sales rep for Passion Parties was arrested by two undercover cops for selling vibrators and other sex-related goods at a gathering akin to a Tupperware party for sex toys. No doubt, this had worried businesses peddling such wares.) The plaintiffs in the sex-device case contended the state law violated the right to privacy under the 14th Amendment. They argued that many people in Texas used sexual devices as an aspect of their sexual experiences. They claimed that in some instances one partner in a couple might be physically unable to engage in intercourse or have a contagious disease (such as HIV) and that in these cases such devices could allow a couple to engage in safe sex.

But a federal judge sent them packing, ruling that selling sex toys was not protected by the Constitution. The plaintiffs appealed, and Cruz’s solicitor general office had the task of preserving the law

Sound familiar? You might have seen this video about the law featuring the late Molly Ivins:

Continuing from Corn’s Mother Jones Article,

Cruz’s legal team asserted that “obscene devices do not implicate any liberty interest.” And its brief added that “any alleged right associated with obscene devices” is not “deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and traditions.”

Question 1: Has Ted Cruz ever heard of Ben Franklin?

The brief insisted that Texas in order to protect “public morals” had “police-power interests” in “discouraging prurient interests in sexual gratification, combating the commercial sale of sex, and protecting minors.” There was a “government” interest, it maintained, in “discouraging…autonomous sex.”

Question 2: Would a Cruz administration pursue this interest in masturbation police? How?

Question 3: Is there a government interest in discouraging maturbation if you do it with a partner? (Or partners?)

In perhaps the most noticeable line of the brief, Cruz’s office declared, “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.” That is, the pursuit of such happiness had no constitutional standing. And the brief argued there was no “right to promote dildos, vibrators, and other obscene devices.”

Question 4: What counts as an obscene device? Lingerie? Silk Scarves? Feathers? Ice Cubes? Flavored Condoms? Please provide a robust and discreet definition.

Question 5: Can you use obscene devices during procreative sex? In the Catholic Church, it’s all good as long as the penis ends up depositing semen into the vagina. Would that be a policy you would be willing to pursue?

If you are going to be at a Ted Cruz event any time in the near future, please ask him one of these questions! You don’t even have to credit me. Just send me a tweet and let me know what he says.

The Signal To Noise Ratio Of Blood Flow To One’s Genitals

Posted in Editorials on December 3rd, 2015
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There’s an idea floating around our cultural conversation that has too long gone unquestioned. This is one of those fallacies that is so much a part of our rhetoric that we hardly even recognize we are perpetuating it. It’s the idea that sexual arousal is inherently meaningful aside from one’s personal subjective experience or actual participation in sex with a partner. And this is not only wrong, but it can be very harmful.

If anything, we don’t have enough compassion, education or care around human sexuality. And I wish we lived in a world where we took care of ourselves and each other in that way. As we do not, I think that our ignorance is part of what lets this fallacy flourish.

Here’s what I mean. I see this on the Red Pill, but it’s in other places too. It’s the idea that a person getting sexually excited means anything else than their particular brain was stimulated and is now sending the signal “hey there goes a good person to mate with.” So when someone says they wouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton (or Bernie Sanders) because they aren’t hot and don’t want to look at someone old on TV – they are falling victim to this fallacy – that the amount of blood flowing to their junk can tell them anything meaningful about who should be president. (Insert Martin O’Daddy/Marco Rubio-oh-oh-OH joke here.)

Recently on the Red Pill, a guy dismissed Philippa Rice, best selling illustrator and author as:

a low value woman’s musing about being the queen of a loser

I wanted to respond that she’s probably laughing all the way to the bank, but I didn’t. Because according to this guy, her creative or financial success mean nothing if she can’t give him a boner. She has no other value as a human being.

It goes the other way too, an attractive person is seen as being capable regardless of their qualifications. Tons of dudes said they’d vote for Sarah Palin for this reason, as if being attractive means she would be a good leader. Note to those dudes: voting for a person is not an effective way to get that person to sleep with you.

It’s not just manosphere misogynists that do this either. I was giggling over Rachel Bloom’s “Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury” when I sent it to my podcast co-host Karen. She said, “I don’t want to police her sexual choices or her celebration of her sexual choices but wanting to fuck somebody is not a compliment. It doesn’t compliment them for their accomplishments.” And as much as I still like that song, she’s right. Maybe we should lay off the “That person is such an awesome writer/artist/scientist that I want to have sex with them” proclamations. They add nothing to the conversation aside from an acceptable way to say “Hey everyone my genitals are pleasantly engorged right now!”

And this can get really gross really quickly. I’m disturbed by David Tennant fans trying to change the meaning of Jessica Jones from a revenge fantasy to one about unrequited love. If any given person wants to fuck Kilgrave, brilliant, enjoy your mind control fantasy. But that does not mean that the other characters in the show should feel the same way! Any given fan’s personal pants feelings about David Tennant do not and should not have any impact on the plot of the show. Those feelings of lust don’t make Kilgrave not a rapist – which is why I will judge you if you ship Kilgrave and Jessica.

It’s hard to know how big of a leap there is from defending fictional rapists because the actor who plays them is hot to defending actual rapists because you think the accused person is hot. And it happens all the time. “James Deen [/other famous actor/athlete] can’t be guilty because I personally would have wanted it, ergo she must have wanted it.” As I said, really disgusting, really fast.

In an ideal world, everyone would be healthy and fulfilled in their sexuality. But we need to stop giving that delightful rush of hormones an intrinsic meaning other than “Ooh. I think I’d like some sex now.” It’s meaningful in discerning one’s own sexual desires but says nothing about anyone or anything else.

If you like this post, you might also like:
The Projection of Hate – Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Rolling Stone and Right Wing Sex Panic
Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser

Fuss Over “Fun Home”

Posted in Editorials on August 26th, 2015
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Amanda Marcotte has a great piece up at Slate about the students who are refusing to read Fun Home because it violates their religion.

I find myself thinking “Fun Home” is a bittersweet graphic novel about a woman growing up as a lesbian and coming to terms with her father’s suicide and that he was a closeted gay man. These Duke kids got off easy!

The first book I had to read in college was Querelle by Jean Genet. I was pretty sheltered 17 year old Catholic kid. And so in my first week at college, it was kind of mind blowing to be handed this piece of French nihilist literature which the internet tells me is about society’s hypocritical attitudes about sex – especially gay sex – and violence. All I remember is a sailor having graphic sex with a man he didn’t particularly like. I was wondering why he had to make it sound so awful – it wasn’t loving or sexy at all. I was very uncomfortable, but it never would have crossed my mind to refuse to read the book or drop the class. And even though I was still very religious, I NEVER would have thought to use my Catholicism as an excuse to not do my assigned reading. I really wanted to be taken seriously so I toughed it out.

I survived and I think I even learned a few things – that old people were lying when they pretended gay people were some new fad, that there were a ton of themes in literature that my high school English class didn’t even touch, and that I didn’t like nihilism.

Brian Grasso writes:

Jesus forbids his followers from exposing themselves to anything pornographic. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” he says in Matthew 5:28-29. “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.” This theme is reiterated by Paul who warns, “flee from sexual immorality.”

I think there is an important distinction between images and written words. If the book explored the same themes without sexual images or erotic language, I would have read it. But viewing pictures of sexual acts, regardless of the genders of the people involved, conflict with the inherent sacredness of sex. My beliefs extend to pop culture and even Renaissance art depicting sex.

If comic book drawings of sex compromise your morality and your faith, neither is very strong. He comes off as deeply insecure rather than someone taking a strong ethical stand.

When I was in college, a favorite prank was for people to draw cartoon penises on the chalkboards. (Do people still do that?) This even happened in my Comp Lit class where we were studying Querelle. The instructor rolled her eyes and erased it, letting out a few giggles before she turned back around to face the class. If someone repeats that juvenile prank in one of the classrooms Brian Grasso is scheduled to attend will he wait outside until the board is wiped clean?

Out, Damned Sperm! Why Everyone Is Freaked Out About Fruit Flies.

Posted in Editorials on October 10th, 2014
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This week the internet was aflame with the sheer idiocy that happens when you combine an ignorant misunderstanding of science with our culture of vicious misogyny.

Generally respectable websites like Alternet and The Telegraph were off and running with a study that claimed previous mates sperm could influence the future offspring of fruit flies. People got paid real money to write about this study as if it applied to human beings.

Caroline Weinberg at Jezebel did a good job of debunking this nonsense:

The immature eggs of newly hatched fruit flies ultimately develop a hard shell. The thought is that the development of the immature eggs can be influenced by non-genetic factors in semen but, once they have matured, the eggs are no longer susceptible to these changes.

Interesting indeed. But what I’m more interested in is why this study took off the way it did and why so many news outlets jumped to cover it as if it means something for people. Yes, it’s clickbait. But why is it clickbait? Why was this story so sensational?

Weinberg speculates:

Start with a scientific study that can be generalized to something people identify with or fear. Then lead with an eminently clickable headline about motherhood and promiscuity, striking fear in the hearts of the sexually active, raising concerns that the skeevy dude they picked up in a bar last year is actually going to haunt them forever through the face of their future offspring.

But I think it’s more than just fear that our exes can follow us, or somehow influence our future. The media found a way to push people’s buttons with the way they twisted this story, yes they pushed the “disgust” button, and the “eww my ex is gross” button, and even the “fear of cuckolding” button. But part of the reason these buttons exist in the first place is a deeper cultural stigma. There is a deep taboo about the way sex tarnishes women or makes them dirty. It’s tangled up with fear and denial of women’s sexual desires but its a slightly separate idea.

I’ve written before about how the disgust mechanism is a very old instinct. But this is is more than a general aversion to the “ickiness” of sex. The idea that the media was tapping into here was that sex in general and semen in particular makes women dirty in a way it does not make men dirty. In a way that a woman’s natural wetness doesn’t make women or men dirty. It’s odd to think of a substance produced by pleasure that creates human life as a contaminant (STIs aside). But we do.

We use the idea of semen in slurs like “cum dumpster.”

Abstinence only sex education is notorious for invoking the idea of semen defiled women in their rhetoric. A sucked on lollipop, chewed gum, or a cup everyone has spit into have all be used to represent a woman who has had sex. The students actual saliva makes an approximate substitute – but the message is clear, a woman is defiled by semen.

And so it should come as no surprise that at the mere hint that semen has more than a symbolically tarnishing effect on a woman’s body people will spiral into an absolute panic.

Weinberg wrote:

I even received an email from a pregnant friend that read, “Shit. Does this mean my kid is going to look like my ex?”

I wrote back to her, “Not unless you’re a fruit fly.”

We aren’t fruit flies. We’re people living in a culture that has a lot of fear about sex. Try not to let it ruin your day.

For Further Reading: The Female Thing: Dirt, Sex, Envy, Vulnerability by Laura Kipnis

Affirmative Consent Comes to New York

Posted in Editorials on October 9th, 2014
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I’ve got to give credit where credit is due, and therefore I am very happy and proud to learn that New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has instructed the State University of New York (SUNY) to make affirmative consent the standard on all 63 of its campuses.

“Consent is clear, knowing and voluntary,” the SUNY rules will say. “Consent is active, not passive.

“Silence, in and of itself, cannot be interpreted as consent.”

Consent need not be verbal, but it must be unambiguous and mutual. “Consent to any one form of sexual activity cannot automatically imply consent to any other forms of sexual activity,” the rules will say.

An alumna of a SUNY school, I’ve written before about my perceptions of sexual assault on campus and how among my group of friends it was considered something to be expected that was our responsibility to avoid. When I was seventeen years old, I had no concept that rape culture was something that could be changed or fought against. But with time I realized that point of view was flawed – individuals have a choice to commit sexual violence or not and there’s nothing inevitable about it at all. So I’m very glad to see this change being made.

Not everyone is happy about the new rules, however. Cathy Young at Newsday writes:

No court would treat incapacitation, or submission to an explicit or implied threat, as consent.

She couldn’t be more wrong. In the most high profile example of this in recent memory, a woman who was both incapacitated by alcohol and under the implied threat of force from two armed police officers was raped in her own apartment and the men who raped her were acquitted.

Affirmative consent standards target far more ambiguous incidents in which one person initiates or escalates sexual activity in a consensual situation and the other person goes along — possibly because she or he feels pressured and doesn’t have the nerve to say no. But surely equating such experiences with rape is insulting to victims who are actually forced to have sex against their will — and generally to women, who are presumed under the new standard of being incapable of saying no to unwanted sex.

Young contradicts herself here. A person who feels pressured and cannot say no is being coerced, is being threatened implicitly.

And she falls into the trap that so many do. It’s not that people who support affirmative consent standards don’t think women are incapable of saying no. It’s that we don’t think they should have to. Here’s Twisty Faster who explained it all brilliantly:

Although this condition does not obtain with regard to any other crime you can think of, when it comes to rape, women are currently considered to exist in a state of perpetual “yes!”. This is because “yes!” is consistent with global accords governing fair use of women. Victims of robbery or attempted murder don’t have to prove that they said no to being robbed or murdered; the presumption is that not even women would consent to being killed. But because penetration by males is what women are for, if we are raped we have to prove not just that we didn’t say yes, which is impossible to prove, but that we specifically and emphatically said no, which is also impossible to prove.

Thus the need for an affirmative consent standard:

My wacky consent scheme flips it around. According to my scheme, women would abide in a persistent legal condition of not having given consent to sex.

Women can still have all the hetero-sex they want; if they adjudge that their dude hasn’t raped them, all they have to do is not call the cops.

It’s not that I don’t think women can say no. It’s that our partners should want us to say yes.

For further reading: Affirmative Consent As A Legal Standard,
On Deciding What Counts: Elizabeth Ellen and What Makes A Victim
, Our horrible consent culture is a tax on women

The Untenable Incel

Posted in Editorials on October 6th, 2014
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Reading about the online “involuntarily celibate” or “Incel” community (also called “Love-Shy”) in the wake of the Isla Vista mass shooting, I find myself compelled by the incel narrative. Most people feel similar feelings in times of hurt, but they do not let those feelings define their concepts of relationships and romantic interests. This piece is not to professionally diagnose or treat those who self-identify as “incel” or “love-shy,” but I do want to examine their narrative in the context of the personality traits associated with narcissism.

The “incel” or “love-shy” community is the soft, squishy version of the MRA/PUA/Anti-PUA/RedPill/etc community, which believes that being involuntarily celibate is indeed a failure on their own part and which is often less aggressively violent while more sympathy-seeking in their rhetoric. Obviously, most of the participants of the MRA/PUA/Anti-PUA/RedPill/etc rabbit hole of misogyny don’t actually act on their voiced violent impulses, but they are clearly expressing a powerful and captivating narrative of angst and confusion which is projected onto an external source which is most commonly women. In direct contradiction of their title, the celibacy of many of their members is entirely voluntary. While trying to describe the complexity of their condition,  involuntarycelibacy.com states “Some incels have had opportunities for casual or paid sex but have declined them because they don’t consider them a real relationship (or in the latter case it’s illegal for them in their residential jurisdiction.)  What they are truly missing is the affectionate touching, holding and kissing and unconditional give-and-take that true couples the world over enjoy.” The Love-Shy Wiki defines love-shyness: “Love-shyness is a proto-disorder [sic] characterized by an extreme fear of romantic interactions with the opposite sex.”

The incel community seems to see it’s lack of sex as “involuntary” (or externally imposed) but also caused by an internal flaw. Those who identify as incel consider themselves part of an under-served group of people suffering from an under-studied psychological disability which is their involuntary celibacy. By definition, being celibate is not a mental condition. It is an interpersonal (lack of) interaction. Having difficulty in romantic endeavors can be a symptom of an underlying anxiety or self esteem issue, but in and of itself, not getting laid is not a psychological condition. The paramount feature of those who self-identify as incel seems to be narcissism combined with not being able to get laid.

Commonly, when we think of narcissists we think of charming (and not so charming) extroverts—the kind of people parodied in the song “Selfie.” Outgoing and seeking extremes of adoration and attention, these narcissists belong to a category called “overt” narcissists. Often personified as female, desperately seeking male attention and social status, it is easy to spot and label these people, and many of them are likely aware that they are significantly more interested in themselves than others (they just believe that this is because they are just that much more interesting). It is easy to see that they struggle to create and maintain deep relationships with others because their interactions are purely instrumental in order to meet their own needs—behaviors that would likely repel those who seek a deeper connection and a more equitable partnership.

Less known is the category that I have come to believe those that self-identify as “incel” fall under: “covert” narcissists. Their needs are equally as wholly self-centered as the overt narcissists, but their expression is somewhat different. For further reading on the two types of narcissistic presentation the chapter in “Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications” is publicly available on Google Books and the original article that published the useful table (reprinted in the chapter linked to above) which compares overt and covert expressions of narcissism is not available online (sadly, the earliest issue of this journal available is from 1996, and this chart was published in 1989). It’s also available (in decidedly unacademic-looking comic sans) on an Appalachian State University Psychology course website.

Obviously, not everybody who exhibits one symptom, or even many symptoms, of narcissism can be described as having narcissistic personality disorder and I am not diagnosing any one person with a mental illness. The incel narrative, however, has many expressions of the clinical features of NPD. Being a sad sack with low self esteem is not a guard against narcissism. The covert narcissist is described as feeling “morose self-doubts… feeling ashamed; fragility.” Extremely negative navel-gazing is still navel-gazing.

The description of the covert narcissist’s interpersonal relationships reads that they are marked by an “inability to genuinely depend on others and trust them; chronic envy of others’ talents, possessions, and capacity for deep object relations; lack of regard for generational boundaries; disregard for others’ time” (object relations here meaning interpersonal caring relationships). I think this speaks most clearly to what people who self-identify as incel and love-shy are identifying with. “That Incel Blogger” (or “CoAlphaAntiModernistIncelBlogger” as he now calls himself) says “It is a great misconception that being an involuntary celibate means you are somehow defective. In fact, it is the completely opposite – in modern society you pretty much have to be degenerate scum to succeed with women.” showing that simultaneous sense of superiority and resentful envy of those he views as more successful than himself. In spite of his belief that incels are above the “degenerate scum” who have relations with women and that they are not defective he still believes the very point of his blog’s existence is to advocate for “government intervention to incel problem [sic] by using non-coercive, voluntary programs” .

Furthermore, the shy/covert subclass is described in romantic relationships to have an “impaired capacity for viewing the romantic partner as a separate individual with his or her own interests, rights, and values.” Well, here we get to the actual relationship portion of the self-identified incel’s narcissism. We can see that their concept of the person they want to become voluntarily coital with is highly simplified and distorted “ The western woman’s choosing criteria, as she can have relation with whoever she please under feminism, she will be part of the harem of an “Alpha” male that is tall, muscular, square jaw, etc.” Here, we can also see how the “Pick Up Artist”’s whole “human relationships as a game in which winning means a man sleeping with a woman who doesn’t want to sleep with him” philosophy and vocabulary infects the incel narrative, this one belonging to  “surviving incel,” which is an article of it’s own.

Sex is an issue fraught with anxiety and private shame for many individuals including later-life virgins and people with partners in the triple-digits. The landscape of intimate personal relationships is scary without prior experience and without support from empathic members of a social network. I don’t blame people who have felt that they have been denied a seemingly universal part of the human experience for being frustrated. People who have struggled with intimacy in romantic or sexual relationships deserve help, but those who self-identify as members of this incel community are displaying something wholly other than the pro-social behavior of seeking help and going through the difficult work of a therapeutic process with a professional to view the roots of their issues with relationships. They display narcissistic traits and proclaim that they both want sex with anybody, but don’t want it with just anybody; they are simultaneously better and worse than everybody else; and most sadly that they do and don’t need help (from psychologists or the government), that they do and don’t have internal mental traits that are keeping them from forging sexual (let alone otherwise meaningful) relationships.

13 Ways To Be A Happily Married Feminist

Posted in Editorials on May 12th, 2014
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As is my unfortunate hobby, I was hate-browsing Reddit’s Red Pill Women forum and came across a discussion of Fox Sports “13 Ways to Keep Your Husband Happy.”

I don’t know why Fox Sports is posting marital advice for straight women. But there it is.

Apparently one of their readers, Jennifer, didn’t understand a hilarious blow job joke and took it upon herself to correct the record.

A couple of months ago, you published something in the mailbag about an Auburn wife who offered her Alabama husband a blowjob every time Auburn won if he would not actively root against Auburn. I was bothered by the line where she said she nearly contracted TMJ due to the success Auburn had. It bothered me because Auburn won 12 games. This means in a span of 15 weeks she gave 12 blowjobs. 2 open dates and 1 loss (I am not counting the BCS title game because there was no win after that loss so the streak ends at the SEC Championship game) means she had a 3 week break and a 2 week break during the season to “rest”.

I have talked to a few girlfriends and my sister and we agree that unless she was offering this in addition to at least one other blowjob during that week, no rest was needed and even joking about TMJ is preposterous.

It was a joke. She was saying “I get to blow my husband every time my team wins, and I sure am blowing him a lot! Heh heh. My team is winning. Blow jobs. Score.”

She continues:

I have been married to my husband for 16 years and been together 20. I still give him a blowjob at least once a week. Am I the minority?

If I am, let me be clear to the other wives out there – Do it. Tonight. Do it without asking for anything in return. Ladies, put his d*** in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life.

Fox Sports columnist Clay Travis then ruminates on the average amount of oral sex he thinks married people have. And then he says:

I do know this, I told my wife that I would never complain or argue with her about anything if she would sleep with me every other night for the rest of our marriage. It didn’t work, but I stand by my statement. For every woman reading this right now, if you promised to sleep with your husband every other night for a year, I think the number of complaints you’d get from your husband would be almost zero.

I decided to try his out for myself. On Sunday night Adam asked me how long I planned on keeping a giant pile of clothes on our couch. I told him I would have sex with every night instead of folding and putting away my clothes. He was like, “How about both?”

In a more serious situation, this could become unhealthy. I have a bad habit of engaging in negative self talk when I’m feeling down. If you asked Adam what his biggest complaint about me, he would probably say that. Let’s see how this strategy would work:

“Oh God. I cannot believe I threw out that important document for our taxes. Now I have to get a new copy from work. I’m the worst, most incompetent person ever. Why does anyone even like me?”
“Please don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“Hey Baby, wanna fuck?”

But I digress.

For not thinking a blow job joke was very funny, Jennifer was then asked to write a column for Fox Sports about marriage.

And the thing is, some of this is common sense advice everyone has heard before. But it’s framed in terms of being groundbreaking and counterculture because it’s a married woman who likes football and giving head. Because there are no married women who like football and giving head. All women are uptight frigid killjoys and that’s why they can’t keep a man. When that’s your starting point, even the most generic advice seems contemptuous.

1. Give him a blowjob at least once a week.
2. Give it up more often.
3. Step up your sex game.

Aren’t these all the same thing? Didn’t we cover this last week when Jennifer didn’t understand the “LOL. I made a bet with my husband and my team is winning so much TMJ!” joke?

4. Quit bitching!

No one likes a whiner, although some people do enjoy whining. I think her problem here is the assumption all women bitch at their husbands, but men don’t do the same thing. If you’ve never met a champion complainer of the male persuasion you probably don’t know any men, or your sexism keeps you from recognizing it.

Both parties in a relationship need to learn how to express their needs in a calm and assertive way. But that’s not really catchy enough for Fox Sports.

5. Let him look at other women.

Sure. As long as turnabout is fair play.

6. Don’t use the kids as an excuse.

When I gave birth to all three of our kids and “wasn’t available,” my mouth still was.

You hear that ladies? C-Section incision still seeping? Episiotomy stitches hurting your nethers? Nipples sore from breastfeeding your newborn? YOUR MOUTH IS STILL AVAILABLE.

And if it’s not, well then your husband might not be “happy.” And since he’s looking at all those other women, well…

7. Stop trying to change him.
8. Let him do the things he enjoys.

I agree with these two the most. It’s important to have separate interests, to respect your differences and to not tell each other what to do.

9. Stop keeping score.

Life is not a pissing contest. Who cares if you are right? Who cares how many times you have taken the trash out compared to the amount of times he has helped you with the laundry?You are not going to die and have God say “Well you were right 87% of the time and you did 97% more of the chores than your husband.” Get off your ass and take the trash out. Women are lucky that their husbands don’t have the kind of memory they do, because things would get really ugly.

Look ladies, you should be glad that your husband even deigns to be with a *shudder* woman. Don’t you know he’s a man and therefore entitled to your housework? I mean, Jesus Christ, just because you are right most of the time and do twice as much housework as he does what do you think that makes you special? That he should say thank you or listen to your point of view? You are a WOMAN, and therefore, THE WORST. Just be thankful he doesn’t remember all the times you menstruated or missed a spot shaving. Then things would really get ugly.

10. Don’t be a “Yoko”.

Fuck you. Seriously. (Hat tip.)

11. Stop making him do shit he doesn’t want to do and go places he doesn’t want to go.

Like I said above it’s important to…

Stop with the couples baby showers. Hell, I don’t even like to go to those things. No man wants to go to a baby shower. He didn’t even want to go to the baby shower for his own kids. The person who invented the couples shower should be shot.

Oh.

My policy on baby showers is that if there is cake and booze, you have no right to complain.

12. Be Cool.

I went to have lunch with my husband one Valentine’s Day. A couple of his boys asked him what he got me for Valentine’s Day. He said he got me a “cockmeat sandwich.” They looked at me, expecting me to get mad. All I did was reply, “What can I say? I was hungry.”

I wonder what Jennifer would think about a feminist blog encouraging women to tell jokes humiliating their husbands in public?

I also allowed a bachelor party, complete with a keg and a stripper, to be held at my house. I left and didn’t care what happened as long as they didn’t burn the place down. When I got home, there was whipped cream on the entertainment center…

So I think we need to go back to #5 again here, “Let him look at other women.” He wasn’t looking. He was licking. Or is that what you meant? Let him lick other women?

What Jennifer means here is to keep a man happy, you have to be a pushover and you have to enjoy it. As Gillian Flynn wrote (emphasis added):

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

13. If all else fails, sex will cure it all.

I thought we talked about this one already?

***

So to sum up, according to Fox Sports expert Jennifer, to be a good wife you should just keep your mouth shut (except for blow jobs, natch) and your legs open. Remember: A. B. S. Always. Be. Sexing.


The missing marriage counseling scene from Glengarry Glen Ross.

Because what works for Jennifer’s husband will work for all men. Because all men are the same. (According to Fox Sports.)

P. S. This week Adam and I celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. None of it would have been possible if I had followed Jennifer’s advice in the spirit she had intended. So in keeping with /r/TheBluePill policy that all selfies must have superimposed quotations:

13 Ways To Keep Your Heterosexual Female Romantic Partner Happy

Posted in Editorials on May 12th, 2014
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Inspired by Fox Sports loving, human relationship article written by contributer “Jennifer,” found here.

Trust me, men, I assure you I exist and I’ve never had a man break up with me, although I have broken up with many, many “men.” If you want to know some of the things that you can do to make sure your girlfriend or wife never ever leaves you no matter how awful you are, I will tell you. Much like Jennifer’s advice, ladies, if you have a man who demands you buy him a big diamond, you should run; he will literally harm you. I also want to stress that the only way a relationship can be successful is if it is between a man and a woman and it never ends no matter how much a man must subjugate himself to his partner’s will in order to keep her happy.

 

1. Give her head twice a week. I know, men need blowjobs once a week, but women are different, it’s just biology. It doesn’t have to even be two separate sessions, you can give both orgasms in one marathon session. She would be more than happy to come home from a long day of work to head. Trust me. And any woman who says she doesn’t like head has either had a bad experience or is married to someone who won’t give it. What a shame. As I said before dudes, put it in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life.

 

2. Give it up more often. Sleeping with your partner should be work. It should be pleasure. I trust you have all heard, “The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach.” Your mom and/or grandmother have told you this for years. Your mother-in-law told you the same thing when you and your wife got engaged. But she was only half right. This is the “Better Homes and Gardens” version. The real way to a woman’s heart is through both food and sex. She would be happy to have local, farm-fresh baked lemon chicken and head and/or sex followed by cupcakes than literally anything else at least every other night. If you do not do this for your wife or girlfriend, she may leave you and then what are you? Why do you exist? Are you cooking or pleasing a woman? What is your purpose?

 

3. Step up your sex game. Put on some speedos and mineral oil (you have a hot bod, right? You’d better not be so worthless as to not be ripped) and tell her you have want to give her a back massage. Send her text messages telling her what an attractive woman she is. I am pretty satisfied with my sex life because he puts effort into it. He has said yes to everything I have wanted to try, including other men. Anything less gives me the right to cheat because his only reason for existing is to keep me happy regardless of his own needs and desires. He has to want to do the things I want him to do, not just acquiesce. Step. It. Up.

 

4. Quit whining! This would go a long way to keeping your female romantic partner happy. Does it really matter which way the toilet paper is on the roll as long as it is on there? Does it really matter if she hasn’t taken the trash out and the apartment is literally in squalor even though you hired a houseboy whom she is supposed to allow to clean before she dominates him while you’re away? Are your hands broken? No? Well then be sure to put the new bag in the trash can so that it doesn’t slip down when you start putting trash in it. There is always “that dude” in the circle of friends who makes everyone uncomfortable because he is whining all the time and just tears his partner apart over the stupidest things. Your friends hate you because you aren’t happy enough submitting to your partner’s will. Don’t be “that guy”. If you don’t know who that is, it is you. Stop. Now. Or else.

 

5. Let her look at other men. So she likes big dicks. (Honestly, who doesn’t? They’re pretty hot.) So what? Let her look at them. She is going to believe that men are only useful for their wangs whether she looks or not. This is going to happen. So let her look. Let her peep someone’s visible penis line in skinny jeans out at the mall. Is it really hurting you? No, especially since you were eye balling literally every advertisement featuring a woman. Who cares who she wants to and will have sex with other than you as long as she exists therefore giving you a purpose.

 

6. Don’t use the kids as an excuse. This one might seem confusing. “I don’t get tired by my children because I never interact with my family, I’m a man. My family exists as an extension of myself which I then proceed to ignore” you might say out loud while reading this blog post. If you are not taking care of your baby and wife, you will have an unhappy marriage and your wife will leave you for one of the men with bigger dicks that she was looking at in number 5. The things you do in your relationship are inferior to the things my boyfriend does and you are inherently unworthy of love. But I digress. When your wife has given birth and cannot take wieners vaginally, she can recieve oral sex safely in a few days. I know you’re tired from taking so much time to take care of wife and baby’s recovery, but it is important to remember that she should not have any sexual contact outside the area of the clitoris until she is healed. The world doesn’t stop because you become parents. How did you get that way? I understand that things are hard and chaotic, but that is life. This means that sometimes, you have to get it in when you can fit it in (but don’t put “it” “in” until she is healed).

 

7. Stop trying to change her. You thought she had “potential” to be a great mother and wife someday. Goodness gracious. Stop! She is who she is (a terrible mother and wife) and all you’re doing is fostering a feeling of ill will and resentment (or at least more feelings of ill will and resentment than you were by having opinions, I mean whining). You may think that she is accepting it and you are making headway. But what you should be doing is accepting her and giving her head.

 

8. Let her do the things she enjoys. I know, I sound crazy right? You have been working all week while she “got” to go out and earn a living and so you should be able to have her on the weekends. The chores don’t do themselves. I get that you want to spend time with her. If you let her go out and enjoy her hobbies, she will appreciate that, and hopefully she will eventually come home and you can feed her cupcakes and give her that head she has been waiting for since yesterday. She is out there all week grinding and working for your ungrateful ass and you can’t even let her get in a mani pedi? Four hours and she is back at the house with you and the kids. If you can’t allow this, you really need to look within. Why are you feeling so lonely? You have been giving her oral sex, having sex with her, letting her look at other men, realized that both she and your own friends hate you for saying when you’re unhappy or frustrated about something, lived in servitude to her and your children, and decided that she will never change. Why do you want her to spend time with you now? There is something wrong with you, I assure you.

 

9. Stop keeping score. Life is not a pissing contest. Who cares if you are right? Who cares how many times you have taken the trash out compared to the amount of times she has helped you with the laundry? You are not going to die and have God say “Well you were right 87% of the time and you did 97% more of the chores than your wife/girlfriend/partner.” Get off your ass and take the trash out. Men are lucky that their partners know that they are too stupid to figure out equitable sharing of household maintenance, because generally, women who don’t feel like you’re doing half the housework will divorce you. So don’t keep score, just do all of the housework so that she’ll never have to wonder.

 

10. Don’t be a “Mark Anthony”. Women get married to awful men who expect that they will drop their careers when they tie the knot. Or, at least the one he doesn’t like. Stop breaking up the band. It is so much more fun to get involved in the stuff they do than to stand around and whine about it (see #4, seriously, everybody hates you). Don’t make your wife take her ball and go home. Go watch them make media moguls out of themselves or hell, play along as a back-up dancer like Jennifer Lopez’s new beau.

 

11. Stop making her do shit she doesn’t want to do and go places she doesn’t want to go. Stop with the football games. Hell, my boyfriend doesn’t even like to go to those things. No woman wants to go to a sportsball game. She didn’t even want to go to the sports games you competed in. The person who invented baseball should be shot. They have really messed it up for everyone. She also doesn’t want to go to birthday parties for your family and friends (they don’t even love you because of all your whining), unless she is also given a present of extra oral sex before and after the event. Stop having football games during whatever else she wants to do. I have a friend who is pregnant. She is due in October. We are having her baby shower whenever we damn well please because that shit is fucking important and who brought the ball where again is not.

 

12. Be Cool. I realize that this may be the hardest part of all of this for you to do. It is a very broad statement but it really encompasses all of the “intangibles” a woman is really looking for in a mate. My boyfriend has been considered the “cool boyfriend” for a while now. He has been invited to karaoke, go to the salon, go out drinking, and other fun things that are generally considered “chick stuff.” One of the reasons is because he is effeminate, but it is also because since he can’t beat us, he joins us. He tells dick jokes (jokes about how pathetic dicks are) and laughs when me and my friends do the same. He also knows some of the jokes will be about him and he embraces it. I went to have lunch with my boyfriend one Valentine’s Day. A couple of his boys asked me what I got him for Valentine’s Day. I said I got him a “clitmeat sandwich.” They looked at him, expecting him to get mad. All he did was let me continue: “What can I say? He was hungry.” They started laughing and later told my boyfriend that he had a cool girlfriend and asked how someone like him got a girl that was cool and hot. He also allowed a friend’s bachelorette party, complete with a keg and a stripper, to be held at my house (but who are we kidding? I don’t need his permission for anything). He left and didn’t care what happened as long as they didn’t burn the place down. When he got home, there was whipped cream on the entertainment center and beer spilled on his carpet. He asked if they had fun and when the carpet cleaner would be there in the morning. Then he kicked back a few drinks with me and gave me oral sex. That is how you play it cool.

 

13. If all else fails, sex will cure it all. If you find yourself struggling with any of the topics above, resort back to numbers 1 or 2. When she comes in after a long, grueling day at work, have a cold beer ready for her and tell her when the kids go to bed, you will give her head. There is nothing that giving her a little ass cannot cure. Ask him. All the women reading this are agreeing with me. Once, during an argument with my boyfriend, I asked him if he went down on me right then, could we just let it go. He quickly agreed. Nothing else matters. You are a walking dildo/tongue/less efficient vibrator. If you provide your services, your female partner will be happy and you will never have to be alone to contemplate your useless existence and inherent flaws that make you subhuman garbage. Stop reading this article. Reading is bad for your marriage. You are bad for your marriage. Subsume your existence. Enjoy your submission.

Stop the madness! Give it up. Bang it out. That is the key to a happy marriage.

FAMILY VALUES FOX: Spitters are Quitters!

Posted in Editorials on May 12th, 2014
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Over the weekend, the right wing social media circuit became very upset about not only Michael Sam’s drafting into the NFL. He then had the audacity to kiss his white – male – boyfriend.
The horror.

Apparently this was an affront to “family values”. To “manliness”. To football. To black people. Or white people. Or maybe both.

Don’t ask me to understand the minds of the right wing trolls.

I just have to say that I’m so glad that Fox set us straight and showed us what they mean by “family values”. It can all be so confusing!

So you all know, giving good head – often – is paramount to family values in America – at least according to Fox.

Don’t believe me? Well then check out this column on its sports website.

So you all know: in order to have real family values – if, and only if, you are a woman – you must give your man a blowjob at least once a week, step up your sex game, stop using your kids an excuse, and for the sake of Jesus – SWALLOW. I mean, that’s why he suffered and died, right? I’m sure I heard Rick Santorum say that spitters are quitters!

If only Michael Sam had a woman going down on him instead and digesting his semen instead of kissing his boyfriend who had cake on his face, then he would be truly worthy of the NFL.

Of course, after only after first meeting the qualifications of dogfighting, murder-suicide, and rape – essential to any true family values football player.

God Bless America.

Anti-feminism is an appeal to force.

Posted in Editorials on June 27th, 2013
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I’ve written before about how anti-feminism is an appeal to force.

A common MRA argument goes like this: since men are physically stronger than women, everything women have men could take away at any moment. To which I say, “No shit, Sherlock.” Does anyone ever think that women are ever unaware of their relative physical weakness in relation to men, even for a second?

I’ve been hanging out a lot lately at /r/TheBluePill which is a subreddit that satirizes “The Red Pill” a kind of super hardcore MRA/PUA philosophy.

They’ve added Red Pill Women, for ladies who agree that they ain’t shit. There I came across this gem by /u/DaddyMonster

Ladies… Men tend to find women’s lack of physical strength endearing. Arousing even. I know it makes me feel all daddylike.

Enjoy men’s strength. Marvel at it. Isn’t it sweet when you know that a man could squeeze the life out you easily, and he knows it too, but he won’t hurt you (any more than feels good)? He might manhandle you. He might be rough. He might even be very rough, but he will not truly hurt you.

A tingle of fear, safely in his strong arms you know ;-)

Something that people frequently lament is that Red Pill effluvia occasionally contains a drop of truth. Confidence is sexy, for example. But what disturbs me more than how inane and misogynist they are is when they stumble on something really important and then completely miss the point.

Red Pillers frequently talk about how it’s so much more easy for (straight) women to get laid than (straight) men. They throw out stereotypes – “women don’t really like sex,” reveal their madonna/whore complexes – “women who are promiscuous have less value,” and appeal to evolutionary psychology – “eggs are expensive, sperm is cheap.” I’m not going to deny that there are social pressures on women to limit and feel ashamed of their sexualities. The difference is that feminists think that this shame is bad, and Red Pillers claim that it’s natural and good. They see female sexuality as a force of chaotic evil.

So “DaddyMonster” sees this fear women have, thinks about those who eroticize it and concludes that it’s all so very sweet. He never considered that this truth about men and women, this primal fear, is the reason it’s much harder for men to get laid. Red Pillers like to think that they know the truth. That women are “hypergamous” vending machines – say the right things “display high value” and sex pops out. It’s a lot simpler than that. It’s about self preservation.*

If anti-feminism is an appeal to force, pickup-artistry and game is an attempt to sell that force as sexy and fun.

UPDATE: In response to the question, “Why do bluepillers react so violently against our philosophies and methods?” [Violently, really?] DaddyMonster replied:

Merely poking or even beating it with a stick doesn’t work. You need to annihilate it. It needs to hurt.

Sharp sticks…

This is from the man who thinks that it’s “sweet” that most men could “squeeze the life out of” their female partners at any given moment.
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*Via Dan Savage